It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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