It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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