Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
