No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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