Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's just like the Real World with babies
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
