I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
