i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I understand Curling. That high.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
