I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
