I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
