went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
