I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
