I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
it's great music for shaving your balls
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
