Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
