i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
