Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
