also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
