I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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