It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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