All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
