1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
