Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
