Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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