So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
