Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
