If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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