even my farts smell like vagina
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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