I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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