I'm gonna have a badass scar
I cannot find my penis.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
