walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize