dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
