I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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