im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
