i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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