i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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