My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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