Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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