Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
