you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
