Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
