P.S. I can't hear my feet
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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