So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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