i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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