he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The power of my boobs compel you
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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