he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
