Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
