Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
