onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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