so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
