You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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