From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
