I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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