I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
