my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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