There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
