dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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