I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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