My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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