Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize