at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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