filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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