she looked like the bat from fern gully.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
