I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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