life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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