READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
