i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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