the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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